Letters to the Editor about "Relationships in the Dance Scene" article by Edie, The Salsa FREAK
Dear Edie:
Here in Boston on our own website, we have been debating the dating-in-the-salsa-scene question. I have read through the question and answers number 27 and have this comment on something that was referenced in your article. I take some exception to your mention that some women who are deceived want to be deceived. Yes, I think that there are some women (and men) out there who don't want to care about the woman or man who is being cheated but I don't think that there are too many of these people lurking about. Instead, most folks truly want a successful relationship filled with mutual respect and honesty. However, regardless of what a person may or may not want (to be deceived or not to be deceived) no one, I repeat NO ONE, has the right to treat another human being in humiliating and dehumanizing ways.
While most of players might ultimately be momma's boys, in my experience many of them have such damaged egos that the 'play' is really about power and manipulation. Lots of players are aware of what they are doing, some are not -- neither type cares. They are so self-absorbed that even though their mark was first their friend, they will behave in disrespectful, deprecating ways and not gives 2 seconds thoughts to how their behavior makes the other person feel. It remains that no one has the right to treat another human being without respect.
Any thing done by one without respecting the dignity of the other indicates a very small person, a person without integrity or honor, a person to leave behind (definitely not try to help).
Zekespal
Edie,
I read your answer to question #27 and I have to say, you know your stuff! You are so right. I was married at 21 and separated by 23 because my ex was unfaithful more than a few times. The funny thing is I kept forgiving him knowing he was unfaithful. We used to go to bible studies 3 days a week and I was even a virgin up to our wedding day...I thought maybe he might change once we were married but he didn't change, it just got a little worse with the women, I could never understand it. Like you said, I cooked, cleaned, worked, everything but it didn't matter. Funny thing too is yes, he was very spoiled by his mother since he was young and yes she protected him a lot. Man this has been so hard to deal with. Anyway, I want to thank you for helping me realize a little more...I haven't had the guts to get a divorce but it's been almost 3 yrs now and I know I need to make a decision so I can move on. You are one smart lady. :) Take care.
Dear Edie:
Back in mid-July I came down from San Jose for a Bootcamp with you. It was a wonderful experience, both the dance part and the accidental personal part (I remember your newly-tightened braces & you reading me your intense salsa relationships article in Denny's).
Anyways, haven't checked out your website in a while. I'm happy to read you've come to terms with Mr. Santiago. I assume he's the one who you talked about hurting you real bad inside. I know it was just eating away at you & you weren't at peace with it, but facing it takes some real guts. And more immediately, I think if someone generalizes the advice you gave to question 27 below, it could be bad. Real bad. Let me explain & see what you think (I can always bank on how smart & curious you are!). OK, so maybe in this particular scenario the advice is cool. He's a very prominent instructor, likeable guy, blah blah blah. Maybe you even know him & he's not like what I'm used to. And if you remember me at all, you know I'm not exactly Mr. Toughguy, right? BUT - and I have to say I've got a really BIG BUT - this could be bad general advice.
Unfortunately, I'm not just talking about the law here. I'm not just talking about illegally posting in a public place, or the possible no-brainer lawsuit (keeping in mind, true or untrue, the whole slander/libel/defamation of character thing applies). No, I wish I was just talking about that.
You see, you pull this shit on the wrong player, you step up & try taking
him to the wall, he'll take you down just like that - no long goodbyes. I mean it could get pretty physical. You better be ready to back up your spit, or he'll chew you up. And I think you'd feel really bad if some girl ended up getting hurt or ruining her life because she stepped up & took the wrong player to the wall. That's just stupid. And I mean this with all the respect in the world. You know I love & care for you. It's just it could come down real fast real hard. Just my way of thinking.Respectfully, Alex
Edie,
You told Ms. Pissed-off, <<As for telling the pregnant girlfriend at
Edie, that will merely give the player time to cook up an effective pack of lies with which to inoculate his pregnant girlfriend before Ms. Pissed-off arrives. Ms. Pissed-off will simply end up looking like a tattle-tail bitch no matter how good her intentions are. This player/teacher is well-liked in the city, so if she mounts a public opinion crusade against this guy, she may end up burned, not him. What's the use--to simply satisfy the self-righteousness of Ms. Pissed Off? C'mon, Edie, her premise was that if she doesn't step in, "then he won't change." Who made it her business to change a player's ways, even if it were possible?
Let's worry about the pregnant girlfriend, JUST IN CASE she is not totally in fantasyland. However, chances are she's already in la-la land. Remember when [your friends] told you about [prince charming] sleeping around under your nose [at a recent event]? You were able to "take it" only because you already had a friendship with [your friends]; you knew they were only being true friends. You probably would have resented that same information from someone like Ms. Pissed-Off, especially since you were already wrestling with your own knowledge and suspicions.
You should tell Ms. Pissed-off to do some detective work to meet with a close friend of the pregnant girlfriend. Ms. P.O. should tell this friend all her evidence about the player. Let the friend say whether this would be appropriate information to tell the player's girlfriend. If so, the friend of the pregnant girlfriend should be willing to tell her, rather than Ms. P.O, (hopefully.) Ms. Pissed-off then saves face, and possibly does some good.
As for Ms. Pissed-off's expectations about the dance scene, and the trash she finds there, she should read your newly posted article about relationships. She should learn how to just enjoy the DANCE and not try to be the moral police for such hopeless cases.
Nevertheless, to expose players in a general and public way-such as posters in bathroom stalls-is a great idea! I can just see it now--a pair of Salseras hitting a salsa club and immediately checking out the Top Ten (Not) Wanted-Dead or Alive Posters in the club restroom!
Actually, Edie, you have well described and documented how most women who are seduced by great dancer/players WANT to be deceived. They avoid the truth in exchange for excitement. Eventually the truth clobbers them, and they pay the price. It's not hard to recognize these guys, if a lady WANTS to.Mark