Reader Comments from "Relationships, A Survivor's Guide..." Hey Edie I read your article about relationships in the dance scene. It hit the nail on the head. It felt like you were talking to me and telling me what happened with my ex girlfriend. She got bit by the dance bug and I just wasn't moving fast enough. I later found out that she was sneaking out to go dancing. She is a great girl and I don't hate her or anything like that. she just couldn't separate her lives. I have since taken up classes and I'm moving pretty good. for me not for her. I'm having a good time. Your story actually helped me be a little bit more understanding of what happened but only time will heal the wounds. Dear Edie, What should be the ideal male attitude towards women in the Salsa scene? Is there anything wrong with going there to try to meet women? These are questions with no easy straight answer. I do not endorse the behaviour of the don Juans or the sort of philandering that you describe in your article. Apart from these sad cases, fortunately, most of us will think twice before messing up with people’s feelings even if we enjoy the sensual tingles that dancing Salsa gives us. On the other hand, and if I read between your lines correctly, you are suggesting us that if we find ourselves dancing Salsa with an enticing stranger past twelve o’clock on a Saturday night, we should still keep in mind that this is supposed to be only a dance and behave in the same way we would in our morning aerobics at the gym, without taking its romantic innuendo at face value? …Mmm, this is always a painful feat of restraint for a salsero. This is almost equivalent to asking a chef to enjoy the art of high cuisine for its own sake without ever getting to taste the dishes that he prepares. I understand most women are into dancing Salsa for the pursuit of artistic values and I am willing to respect this, but I hope girls will not begin making us feel like chauvinistic pigs if we honestly happen to fall for their charms when we are out dancing with them. Moreover, I have seen that very few guys, including your so called players, would dare approach sexually a women that has not somehow, through subtle but unmistakable signs, communicated to them her desire to be approached, perhaps against her conscious will. Natural instinct, if strong enough, will always find a way to bypass all the conventions that society has crafted to contain desire. That some guys will assume the role of single-minded predators should be expected in these nightclub settings that function as a tribal arena where males and females are competing for a place in a hierarchy of sexual worthiness. This competition takes place by means of nothing else but a dance where the skill of the performers is perceived as a mirror of their abilities as lovers! Now back to the werewolf curse. After a while it does take a supernatural amount of self-control for us men to keep dancing Salsa without damaging the feelings we have nurtured for our girlfriends, even if we already have a happy relationship. Being technically faithful is easy, and most guys in practice will stay loyal to their girlfriends while they are dancing with other women. What is really difficult for us is to decide how much of the teasing involved in this dance constitutes infidelity or not. More disturbingly, I dare say that for most heterosexual males the nature of the acoustic, kinetic, and emotional sensations elicited by dancing Salsa is in all unmistakably sexual, however subtle and subliminal this sex may be. Who ever said that you need an actual exchange of fluids in order to have… er… sex? The reproductive act itself was designed by nature to be a rhythmic dance between two bodies that swing to the same beat. Play some drums to it, make the swinging a little more artsy and elaborate, skip the intercourse part, and there you have it… All right! Salsa may not be actual sex, but it sure comes dangerously close! Continuing along this line, I wonder sometimes about the following: What do people mean really when they say that Salsa can be better than sex? Nothing is supposed to feel better than sex. Therefore, Salsa is also sex. At least that is how most men would phrase it. If we want to be rigorous, it follows from this premise that dancing Salsa with other than your life partner implies already a form of proto-infidelity that falls, at its most harmless, somewhere between fantasizing and verbal flirting, especially in males. If the dancers are articulate in this language of romantic foreplay, things turn potentially dangerous. At this point most guys simply suspend judgment, and we let ourselves be carried away until the pangs of Salsa-induced lust are so strong that we start perceiving our relationship back home as an itchy rope around our necks. If we are willing to extend the definition of sex into the Salsa realm, we all transform into promiscuous primates in the mist of the African jungles. We possess and are possessed many times in the course of a Salsa jam session, and truth be told, in more intense ways than we ever dreamt possible before we surrendered our souls to the gods of mambo. Burn me alive for saying this, but for many men the nature of such possession, however artistic the dance may look, is still undeniably sexual. If some people disagree with the notion that Salsa is a form of sex, but still think that it may feel better than sex at some times, then it follows logically that sharing something that feels better than sex with somebody who is not your life partner is tantamount to, or even worse than plain adultery. The unspoken intimacy and intensity of those encounters in the Salsa bacchanalia is our little secret. We find it hard to believe that we are getting away with such concupiscent sweets of sin behind the amiable politeness of social etiquette. Whatever way one chooses to look at it, the Salsa scene and what happens in it is completely at odds with the western concept of a monogamous relationship and its fundamental principle that demands fidelity both in the flesh and in the spirit. Should we stop dancing altogether then, or prohibit our life partners to dance with others? If I had a hardcore Salsera girlfriend and I knew that she is out dancing with a guy that is a better dancer than I am, she would have to reassure me (after my fit of jealousy is over), that this dance has nothing to do with the love she feels for me. Probably then I would have no choice but to take consolation in the following verses that I have picked out of Shakespeare’s sonnet 138, for medicinal purposes: When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know she lies, That she might think me some untutor'd youth, Unlearned in the world's false subtleties… Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue: O, love's best habit is in seeming trust … Therefore I lie with her, and she with me, In short, it should be concluded that the Salsa scene is best suited for singles in the strict sense of the word or for Shakespearean characters of frolicking double standards. Girls who dwell exclusively in the clouds of the performing arts should understand that most guys will go to the Salsa clubs not because they want to take the cross-body-lead to new artistic heights, but simply because they want to be tempted, and are tired of having to support the moral foundations of western civilization over their shoulders. Some men are more sensitive to this burden than others. This is just the way it is. The syncopated measures of the Yoruba drums (archaeological relics buried inside each Salsa song) take us back to a distant past when we were not individuals in charge of our own destiny but mere sacrificial lambs of the forces of nature. The Salsa scene may therefore not seem like a fair and just world. This is simply because it was created by our collective, primeval subconscious, not by our rational, civilized rule of law. Could anybody have ever thought up of something like it in her or his good senses? As part of our subconscious, the mambo worlds are fundamentally also a part of wild nature and they should be respected and preserved as such. In my opinion we should not attempt to strip the Salsa world of its mystery by transforming it into a sort of tourist attraction with guided tours, regulations, warnings, fenced paths and certain exhibits closed for repair. We go to the jungles to experience awe and be mystified by their raw beauty and the sense of danger. Each one of us comes out of these Jurassic forests with their own scratches and stories to tell, but it was our choice to go there in the first place because we were bored with the safety of our backyard gardens. I say let everyone experience it and find the truth about it on his or her own. However, beware that if you spend too much time in the wild, you will have to learn to live and abide by its rules, which are quite different from the rules of civilization. Losing your self-consciousness is the ultimate purpose of the voodoo-like trance of Salsa. Self-consciousness itself is a measure of how civilized a person you are. The rhythm opens up a window into the depths of time and makes us re-live our genetic memories. Taking this plunge into the subconscious feels wonderful. Almost inevitably, you will lose control when something gives you a surge of energy while making your self-consciousness evaporate. This happens, for example, in fits of strong emotion, in the sexual orgasm and in the Salsa fix trance, which is a low-key, longer-lasting orgasm in its own right. Somebody once defined sexual love as the expression of the most tender of feelings with the strongest aggression, which also epitomizes the dynamics of Salsa dancing. You cannot be self-conscious and aggressive at the same time. Accidents will happen when this explosive broth of aggression and tenderness boils over and self-consciousness fades. This is inevitable, as life is peppered with all sorts of accidents. A committed relationship between two people, on the other hand, implies voluntarily forsaking the selfishness of our primitive subconscious for the sake of spiritual and altruistic couple work. This entails conscious control and hard work. The Salsa scene is so much at odds with these values that even loving couples that want to learn Salsa to “spice up” their relationship will inevitably start fighting after the first lessons, and their eyes will soon begin wandering about, looking at other dancers with Salsa lust in their eyes. In conclusion, this is my advice for everyone: If you already have a life partner and you feel the call of the congas boiling in your blood, get lost, for your own communal good and for the good of your soul. This game is for singles only. Leaving couples in the safety of their homes (where they belong really) it is time now to get back to the villains of your story. However disgusting this may seem to some women, even players are necessary in the mambo ecosystem just like predators are necessary in the wild. Their mission is to keep the grazing vegetarians of the Salsa savannahs alive and alert. If you take players or would-be players out massively, the rest will languish out of boredom, overpopulation, or lack of challenges. If concerned salseras start warning men to be aware about the dangers lurching in their wicked doppelgangers and how everybody should respect even here the conventions of society and religion, then you will make everybody, boys and girls, self-conscious. As such, they will be afraid of letting go of their passion on the dance floor because they will be embarrassed about their own impulses which they will regard as degrading, both to themselves and to their dancing partners, and the dance will not feel the same. Outside the bushes these high principles may actually work but inside the wild Salsa nightlife no woman likes to dance with a bundle of conditioned reflexes, they prefer dancing with men. Conversely, men do not enjoy dancing with women that never smile or are too afraid to send a spicy wink into their partner’s eyes (unless they live in Miami or in Latin America). We prefer dancing with total flirts. I agree with your advice for girls: Be careful with the predators, stay away from their path, and do not get too close to them. But on the other hand, do not put them in a zoo, either. Observe and enjoy their farcical catwalk as they are stalking their pray but do not chase them around the world with sedative darts and bathroom posters to pull out their fangs so they can be rendered harmless puppets. Women should know that the more outspoken, extrovert, and self-confident these guys are, the more likely it is that they are living in a fantasy world where they are the centre of their own pathologically concocted lies, as you aptly observed. Not even personalities with real outstanding lifetime achievements are as boastful and cocky as your typical “mambo king” guapo. Still, no one should expect them to leave their testosterone and their megalomania at the entrance of the club, along with their umbrellas and coats. Some women may think that death is too good for them, and will want to make the jungle "safe" by massively exposing and exterminating all players at once. However, no bullets or pesticides are necessary if the gazelles learn to run faster and keep alert. It may seem not fair that women are the ones required to be in control instead of men but remember that it is precisely this chase driven by male lust what keeps the whole Salsa game spinning. Expunge the Salseros’ libido out of their bodies and we will stay home watching TV instead of bothering to go out, I guarantee you that. Make Salseros afraid of the depth of their lust and they will become safer bets, but their lead will not be the same. Male lust is so hard to exterminate that even those who have been taught by upbringing to repress their libido will sneakily hope that women will be impressed by their feminist self-consciousness, and still reward them sexually for it. Whatever it is we are boasting of, be it muscular strength, fancy clothes, money, kindness, dancing skills, intellectual achievements, spirituality, etc, matters little here. We want sex in exchange for whatever we are made of. Paradoxically, we even want sex in exchange for not wanting any sex. Therefore, I would suggest that girls keep flirting with us anyway, because that is what we like women to do (and that is what women like doing). Keep the predators running behind you, for it is the illusion of a catch that keeps players dancing so well, and you girls enjoying it so much. With time, salseras will learn how to starve the predators to death if that is what they really want, one by one in the silence and darkness of the forest, just as it was intended by the natural order of things. This is far better than waging an extermination war. I have discussed here how most men perceive women at first glance (or at least, the type of men that you are likely to find in the micro cosmos of the Salsa scene), but I have not said anything about the rich spirituality and appreciation that grows in our souls after this admittedly rough start. Salsa can be a mixture of a blessing and a curse bestowed upon us, a test for our souls and our wisdom. It commands us to surrender to the forces of nature. We should not surrender easily, but not ever surrendering is far worse. This is just about all we know. The best way to enjoy this dancing world is not to lose faith and, in spite of these wounds we carry with us, still allow ourselves to suspend judgement while we are in living in it. Only then can we be faithful to the true spirit of the dance, which may not be a spirit of true love, but certainly is a celebration of the joyful expectation of love. This is the blessing part. The bewitching part is that the dance compels us to brave the treacherous paths of the mambo jungles to conquer this love. Even if we find this love elsewhere we will still be hunted, perhaps for eternity, by the muttering spells of the forest’s echoing drums. Best regards, Alberto.
Hello Edie The web is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It allows you to reach into the intimate places of other peoples' lives through the advice columns, in ways that aren't available otherwise. All those emotions and fears one thought are one's own, are there on the web, revealed as the emotions and fears of everyman, and you can see that you are just the same as other people (someone said to me once 'There are only three stories for all of mankind ... and they are all the same'. And I thought I was an individual. Hah!). I have been doing much surfing, reading about dating, the singles scene, dance and relationships, and there's no-one out there has written as passionately, as surely and confidently about the whole story as you. You must be a great dancer. If you write with such confidence and assuredness, you must dance the same way. For me, dance has been an exploration of self, an ongoing lesson in humility in facing the challenge, satisfaction in meeting it, an exploration of confidence and how it is built, and your piece teaches about the responsibility of managing this (loaded and dangerous) weapon of confidence. I am a lot older than other people in my jazz and funk classes (like, the other people in the adult funk classes are the same age as my children!). This heightens awareness of being sensible and responsible about being there. No fool like an old fool, so I'd better not be foolish. As an older person, when everyone else is edging to the back of the studio because they don't want to be up the front, I feel some responsibility to take up the front, to draw the class forward to the teacher, even if I'm feeling like hiding away from view too. I am very grateful for your 'Survival' piece, because it warns me about the dangers that lie ahead on the Salsa scene. It talks about the power of confidence, the dangers of yielding to the power, and gives advice about how to manage the power responsibly. Thank you, from me, and from thousands of others who will benefit from your great wisdom. Your article gives a person confidence in committing to the decisions we have to make on the Salsa and club scene; decisions about what not to do. Edie, I gather you are a girl-type person; women are smarter than men, they understand things men don't. Your item talks about 'Those Sneaky Women', women who are players. You could do us men a favour and talk more about some scenarios. We need the help. Anyway, congratulations on a fine piece of work. Congratulations on being a fine person. And thanks again, heaps. Dear Edie, I have visited your site many times and enjoyed reading articles, and letters. I read your "survival guide" about dating in the Salsa scene....my goodness, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. It took me years to figure out the exact same thing you wrote about. I don't regret having lived with and loved "players." I think I have become a more keen judge of character, and a stronger woman in general. Now, I enjoy the Salsa dance scene more intelligently. I go when I truly feel the need to dance, and always with my "truly platonic" male dance partner/friend. This tends to keep the players away and I have someone I can really talk with and have fun with. I think I will always love Salsa dancing. I've just had to learn to separate this from my love life. I laughed out loud as I read your article. It read like a page out of my journal. I hope as this message gets out, many less women will get hurt. "Dear Edie, How could he be so insensitive, and so bold? I am a very nice person; anybody who knows me knows comments about how sweet I am, and how come a sweet person like me is still single....But, for some reason, I wasn't shocked with this man's behavior towards me...I know that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I have been "so called" friends with person for over 8 months...I can't believe that he waited 8 months just to use me and toss me to the side. I'm taking your advice, and using the "Survival Guide." I even took notes as I was reading it. Thank you for the advice and for reading my reply. I just want to be heard by somebody who understands without feeling ashame for being a fool. Your friend, "Edie, I have talked to other dancers that have gotten caught up in this crazy relationship game, and we all agree that it is overwhelming. You start out thinking you have a new hobby. The next thing you know, your feelings are out of control. I just wished someone would have forewarned me. It should be a requirement for everyone to read this article before they taking any kind of dance class. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one out here. Now I know what to expect." "Dear Edie, What should be the ideal male attitude towards women in the Salsa scene? Is there anything wrong with going there to try to meet women? These are questions with no easy straight answer. I do not endorse the behavior of the don Juans or the sort of philandering that you describe in your article. Apart from these sad cases, fortunately, most of us will think twice before messing up with people’s feelings even if we enjoy the sensual tingles that dancing Salsa gives us. On the other hand, and if I read between your lines correctly, you are suggesting us that if we find ourselves dancing Salsa with an enticing stranger past twelve o’clock on a Saturday night, we should still keep in mind that this is supposed to be only a dance and behave in the same way we would in our morning aerobics at the gym, without taking its romantic innuendo at face value? …Mmm, this is always a painful feat of restraint for a salsero. This is almost equivalent to asking a chef to enjoy the art of high cuisine for its own sake without ever getting to taste the dishes that he prepares. I understand most women are into dancing Salsa for the pursuit of artistic values and I am willing to respect this, but I hope girls will not begin making us feel like chauvinistic pigs if we honestly happen to fall for their charms when we are out dancing with them. Moreover, I have seen that very few guys, including your so called players, would dare approach sexually a women that has not somehow, through subtle but unmistakable signs, communicated to them her desire to be approached, perhaps against her conscious will. Natural instinct, if strong enough, will always find a way to bypass all the conventions that society has crafted to contain desire. That some guys will assume the role of single-minded predators should be expected in these nightclub settings that function as a tribal arena where males and females are competing for a place in a hierarchy of sexual worthiness. This competition takes place by means of nothing else but a dance where the skill of the performers is perceived as a mirror of their abilities as lovers! Now back to the werewolf curse. After a while it does take a supernatural amount of self-control for us men to keep dancing Salsa without damaging the feelings we have nurtured for our girlfriends, even if we already have a happy relationship. Being technically faithful is easy, and most guys in practice will stay loyal to their girlfriends while they are dancing with other women. What is really difficult for us is to decide how much of the teasing involved in this dance constitutes infidelity or not. More disturbingly, I dare say that for most heterosexual males the nature of the acoustic, kinetic, and emotional sensations elicited by dancing Salsa is in all unmistakably sexual, however subtle and subliminal this sex may be. Who ever said that you need an actual exchange of fluids in order to have… er… sex? The reproductive act itself was designed by nature to be a rhythmic dance between two bodies that swing to the same beat. Play some drums to it, make the swinging a little more artsy and elaborate, skip the intercourse part, and there you have it… All right! Salsa may not be actual sex, but it sure comes dangerously close! Continuing along this line, I wonder sometimes about the following: What do people mean really when they say that Salsa can be better than sex? Nothing is supposed to feel better than sex. Therefore, Salsa is also sex. At least that is how most men would phrase it. If we want to be rigorous, it follows from this premise that dancing Salsa with other than your life partner implies already a form of proto-infidelity that falls, at its most harmless, somewhere between fantasizing and verbal flirting, especially in males. If the dancers are articulate in this language of romantic foreplay, things turn potentially dangerous. At this point most guys simply suspend judgment, and we let ourselves be carried away until the pangs of Salsa-induced lust are so strong that we start perceiving our relationship back home as an itchy rope around our necks. If we are willing to extend the definition of sex into the Salsa realm, we all transform into promiscuous primates in the mist of the African jungles. We possess and are possessed many times in the course of a Salsa jam session, and truth be told, in more intense ways than we ever dreamt possible before we surrendered our souls to the gods of mambo. Burn me alive for saying this, but for many men the nature of such possession, however artistic the dance may look, is still undeniably sexual. If some people disagree with the notion that Salsa is a form of sex, but still think that it may feel better than sex at some times, then it follows logically that sharing something that feels better than sex with somebody who is not your life partner is tantamount to, or even worse than plain adultery. The unspoken intimacy and intensity of those encounters in the Salsa bacchanalia is our little secret. We find it hard to believe that we are getting away with such concupiscent sweets of sin behind the amiable politeness of social etiquette. Whatever way one chooses to look at it, the Salsa scene and what happens in it is completely at odds with the western concept of a monogamous relationship and its fundamental principle that demands fidelity both in the flesh and in the spirit. Should we stop dancing altogether then, or prohibit our life partners to dance with others? If I had a hardcore Salsera girlfriend and I knew that she is out dancing with a guy that is a better dancer than I am, she would have to reassure me (after my fit of jealousy is over), that this dance has nothing to do with the love she feels for me. Probably then I would have no choice but to take consolation in the following verses that I have picked out of Shakespeare’s sonnet 138, for medicinal purposes: When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know she lies, … Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue: … O, love's best habit is in seeming trust … Therefore I lie with her, and she with me, In short, it should be concluded that the Salsa scene is best suited for singles in the strict sense of the word or for Shakespearean characters of frolicking double standards. Girls who dwell exclusively in the clouds of the performing arts should understand that most guys will go to the Salsa clubs not because they want to take the cross-body-lead to new artistic heights, but simply because they want to be tempted, and are tired of having to support the moral foundations of western civilization over their shoulders. Some men are more sensitive to this burden than others. This is just the way it is. The syncopated measures of the Yoruba drums (archaeological relics buried inside each Salsa song) take us back to a distant past when we were not individuals in charge of our own destiny but mere sacrificial lambs of the forces of nature. The Salsa scene may therefore not seem like a fair and just world. This is simply because it was created by our collective, primeval subconscious, not by our rational, civilized rule of law. Could anybody have ever thought up of something like it in her or his good senses? As part of our subconscious, the mambo worlds are fundamentally also a part of wild nature and they should be respected and preserved as such. In my opinion we should not attempt to strip the Salsa world of its mystery by transforming it into a sort of tourist attraction with guided tours, regulations, warnings, fenced paths and certain exhibits closed for repair. We go to the jungles to experience awe and be mystified by their raw beauty and the sense of danger. Each one of us comes out of these Jurassic forests with their own scratches and stories to tell, but it was our choice to go there in the first place because we were bored with the safety of our backyard gardens. I say let everyone experience it and find the truth about it on his or her own. However, beware that if you spend too much time in the wild, you will have to learn to live and abide by its rules, which are quite different from the rules of civilization. Losing your self-consciousness is the ultimate purpose of the voodoo-like trance of Salsa. Self-consciousness itself is a measure of how civilized a person you are. The rhythm opens up a window into the depths of time and makes us re-live our genetic memories. Taking this plunge into the subconscious feels wonderful. Almost inevitably, you will lose control when something gives you a surge of energy while making your self-consciousness evaporate. This happens, for example, in fits of strong emotion, in the sexual orgasm and in the Salsa fix trance, which is a low-key, longer-lasting orgasm in its own right. Somebody once defined sexual love as the expression of the most tender of feelings with the strongest aggression, which also epitomizes the dynamics of Salsa dancing. You cannot be self-conscious and aggressive at the same time. Accidents will happen when this explosive broth of aggression and tenderness boils over and self-consciousness fades. This is inevitable, as life is peppered with all sorts of accidents. A committed relationship between two people, on the other hand, implies voluntarily forsaking the selfishness of our primitive subconscious for the sake of spiritual and altruistic couple work. This entails conscious control and hard work. The Salsa scene is so much at odds with these values that even loving couples that want to learn Salsa to “spice up” their relationship will inevitably start fighting after the first lessons, and their eyes will soon begin wandering about, looking at other dancers with Salsa lust in their eyes. In conclusion, this is my advice for everyone: If you already have a life partner and you feel the call of the congas boiling in your blood, get lost, for your own communal good and for the good of your soul. This game is for singles only. Leaving couples in the safety of their homes (where they belong really) it is time now to get back to the villains of your story. However disgusting this may seem to some women, even players are necessary in the mambo ecosystem just like predators are necessary in the wild. Their mission is to keep the grazing vegetarians of the Salsa savannahs alive and alert. If you take players or would-be players out massively, the rest will languish out of boredom, overpopulation, or lack of challenges. If concerned salseras start warning men to be aware about the dangers lurching in their wicked doppelgangers and how everybody should respect even here the conventions of society and religion, then you will make everybody, boys and girls, self-conscious. As such, they will be afraid of letting go of their passion on the dance floor because they will be embarrassed about their own impulses which they will regard as degrading, both to themselves and to their dancing partners, and the dance will not feel the same. Outside the bushes these high principles may actually work but inside the wild Salsa nightlife no woman likes to dance with a bundle of conditioned reflexes, they prefer dancing with men. Conversely, men do not enjoy dancing with women that never smile or are too afraid to send a spicy wink into their partner’s eyes (unless they live in Miami or in Latin America). We prefer dancing with total flirts. I agree with your advice for girls: Be careful with the predators, stay away from their path, and do not get too close to them. But on the other hand, do not put them in a zoo, either. Observe and enjoy their farcical catwalk as they are stalking their pray but do not chase them around the world with sedative darts and bathroom posters to pull out their fangs so they can be rendered harmless puppets. Women should know that the more outspoken, extrovert, and self-confident these guys are, the more likely it is that they are living in a fantasy world where they are the centre of their own pathologically concocted lies, as you aptly observed. Not even personalities with real outstanding lifetime achievements are as boastful and cocky as your typical “mambo king” guapo. Still, no one should expect them to leave their testosterone and their megalomania at the entrance of the club, along with their umbrellas and coats. Some women may think that death is too good for them, and will want to make the jungle "safe" by massively exposing and exterminating all players at once. However, no bullets or pesticides are necessary if the gazelles learn to run faster and keep alert. It may seem not fair that women are the ones required to be in control instead of men but remember that it is precisely this chase driven by male lust what keeps the whole Salsa game spinning. Expunge the Salseros’ libido out of their bodies and we will stay home watching TV instead of bothering to go out, I guarantee you that. Make Salseros afraid of the depth of their lust and they will become safer bets, but their lead will not be the same. Male lust is so hard to exterminate that even those who have been taught by upbringing to repress their libido will sneakily hope that women will be impressed by their feminist self-consciousness, and still reward them sexually for it. Whatever it is we are boasting of, be it muscular strength, fancy clothes, money, kindness, dancing skills, intellectual achievements, spirituality, etc, matters little here. We want sex in exchange for whatever we are made of. Paradoxically, we even want sex in exchange for not wanting any sex. Therefore, I would suggest that girls keep flirting with us anyway, because that is what we like women to do (and that is what women like doing). Keep the predators running behind you, for it is the illusion of a catch that keeps players dancing so well, and you girls enjoying it so much. With time, Salseras will learn how to starve the predators to death if that is what they really want, one by one in the silence and darkness of the forest, just as it was intended by the natural order of things. This is far better than waging an extermination war. I have discussed here how most men perceive women at first glance (or at least, the type of men that you are likely to find in the micro cosmos of the Salsa scene), but I have not said anything about the rich spirituality and appreciation that grows in our souls after this admittedly rough start. Salsa can be a mixture of a blessing and a curse bestowed upon us, a test for our souls and our wisdom. It commands us to surrender to the forces of nature. We should not surrender easily, but not ever surrendering is far worse. This is just about all we know. The best way to enjoy this dancing world is not to lose faith and, in spite of these wounds we carry with us, still allow ourselves to suspend judgment while we are in living in it. Only then can we be faithful to the true spirit of the dance, which may not be a spirit of true love, but certainly is a celebration of the joyful expectation of love. This is the blessing part. The bewitching part is that the dance compels us to brave the treacherous paths of the mambo jungles to conquer this love. Even if we find this love elsewhere we will still be hunted, perhaps for eternity, by the muttering spells of the forest’s echoing drums. Best regards, Anonymous... " Hi Edie, I just read your survival guide to relationships on Salsafreak. I really admire you for writing and writing so honestly. You write from what could only be experience with so many aspects of dancing and relationships. The stages you describe and the kind of men out there are all too real. There is one part where you write that several readers have shared with you intimate, horrifying and unbelievable stories that have made you cry. You wrote that those stories would stay between you and the reader. I disagree. I believe if the reader requested that those stories stayed confidential, that's one thing. But otherwise, especially if those stories were anonymous, I believe they should be shared. I believe that part of the problem is that people don't talk about this enough. Those stories about the "real" side of Salsa and the heartaches and dangers it presents should be common knowledge. And the way to get to that is to share our experiences. I wish someone would have shared those stories with me. You might be thinking, "Well, I'm writing about it." For that, I thank you. You're taking such a tremendous step in getting the truth out there. I don't know if it's just me, but it just seems that recently, the subject of improper and inappropriate behavior in the Salsa world is becoming more and more prevalent. This is a problem. And it's only going to get worse. I might be naive in wishing that Salsa would remain purely Salsa, and not some vehicle for hurt and dishonesty and pain. But I think that Salsa-lovers would do the dance the most justice by preserving its integrity. More and more, like you, I hear about stories about how Salsa created more pain in people's lives than joy. That is not how it should be. Again, I wish you would share more of the "intimate" and sometimes "gruesome" stories from your readers. You stand at a unique place where you get to hear these stories. And in a way, I think the reason your readers write to you is because they need their stories to be heard. Thank you for all your efforts. If anyone can make a difference, it is you. Edie, A: Yes but that depends on how much of either person's life IS Salsa. Salsa as a substitute arena for life will be difficult for any couple to survive unless they are both in the arena together. Even if they are in the arena together they will probably have to observe a few rules to keep the jealousies out of the picture. Salsa may be for singles but lets not forget that this is just a dance. If you want to make it a way of life I suppose you will just have to work a little harder on your relationship. Hello Edie! My story length 4 months, but you know what is the hardest thing "I see him every time I go dancing!!!" How can I forget Him! I have to say that I'm a real Salsa freak, I need to dance, But if I trust your document I'll be an eternal "single" dancer... Thank you so much for this excellent document!!!! A French Canadian Salsa Freak Edie, I like this article. Let me rephrase that, I like all your articles. Your site is popular because of your articles. There are a few things I challenge about this particular article: I feel that you wrote it in a woman's point of view, which is okay because you are the author. However, love is a very difficult thing to talk about because both sexes are known to have a different approach towards what makes sense about love, a dissimilar opinion about the main point of the matter about sex, and so on... You wrote in detail how a guy breaks down a girl. But there are selfish girls that can also break down some noble guys. Some club girls go out with a guy only to feel good about themselves. They use him for his money and his attention but they don't really care about him. Things like that can hurt a good guy and then the next time he finds a good girl he'll mistreat her and disrespect her because of his hurt. Hence, a "Player". I can contribute further if you like and in more detail. Just give me some time. |